20, 30, 40!

I used to be a boob-less wonder. I was the subject of cruel jokes and snide comments most of my high school career! Boys would ask me if I would wear shoes if I didn't have feet and logically arrive at "why do you wear a bra then?". Horrible stuff.

But as my 20's arrived I was blessed with an uncanny feeling of satisfaction in myself. For a brief period of time I was happy with who I was. My body loved me! I could skip breakfast for 3 days and drop a dress size before the weekend! I subsisted on alcohol, cigarettes and caffeine. I hardly got a pimple and cellulite was a swear word I had to look up in the dictionary! Everything I wore looked fabulous but I looked better naked anyway! Where did those days go?

Then (kaboom!) roll on 30's.  1 Baby later and EVERYTHING changed. After the shock of a c-section and the entire birth itself wore off I realised with a fright that sometime during the last year someone had stolen my body! It's like they left my head on but took all the good bits. My previously non-existent mammaries had swelled during "udder duty" and whilst I held out of hope of them remaining as perky ,they simply deflated leaving me with nipples on 2 saggy gym socks! My bum had been replaced by a tub of cottage cheese and I now had "mommy" arms. Gone was the defined triceps and biceps of my past and vests had to be evicted post haste. You can ask his majesty, I literally culled everything and started again - I now have a reeeeeeeeeally really small selection!

You see, mine was a terrible pregnancy. I had no sickness. I had no pain. I had no run-of-the-mill pregnancy issues besides heartburn. I just got fat. Quickly! I still shudder when I look back at the photos and see myself. But there is nothing you can do whilst you're preggers! So I vowed to get my revenge on the adipose tissue post partum.

We invested in a treadmill when I had only just fallen pregnant and I pounded the pavement on that thing right up until the week before I went into labour. It was all quite relaxed and within the healthy range of exercise but that did not seem to have any effect on my growing bulk. My sister on the other hand has squeezed out 2 sprogs in quick succession and looks like a Sports Illustrated model in her cozzie. Cow! I try to hate her but I have only the genes to blame.

I now crave my 40's. Not because I am wishing my life away but there is something to be said about most 40 something women. They seem to have got over all the "teething problems" of the previous 2 decades and finally come into their own. They eat chocolate and don't care. They write about having the greatest sex of their lives! They are uber-moms. They just seem to have it all figured out. As if it's training for 50, when you really don't give a flying (insert own word)!

I am shattered when I pick up a Cosmo and flick through the beauty pages. I used to scoff at the fact that my age group didn't even feature but now I find myself turning page after page after page until I get to the dreaded three ough! How far I have fallen!

So for now I have 8 years left on my 3rd Decade dance card. I have lost my baby weight and then some but it left me an entirely different shape. Low-rise jeans snigger at me from the hangers. My hair no longer obeys and has become a limp and lifeless mass I threaten to lop off each and every day! I know I will finally come into my own on the eve of my 40th birthday and all this faffing will have been for nought. There are just days when I feel like I missed the memo. Why do all the other girls in my "category" look so well adjusted. Was there a crash course I missed somewhere along the line.

Well I can still do the splits and touch my toes. I still fit into my wedding dress 9 years on and his majesty still likes me so I must be doing something right.I am trying to be the best me I can be (erm?). Some days I fail and other days I do such a good job of bluffing that even I believe myself. It comes back to that old saying - I wish that I knew what I know now when was I younger.

Good old Rod Stewart putting it all back into focus for us!

Adios!